Lonely Autumn

This time of year is always very soothing to me internally, I appreciate the cooler weather, the changing of the leaves, the changing of the overall energy to the days. The sun is starting to set earlier, giving the early evening the most beautiful golden hue. I have these memories of walking home from middle school around this time of year, listening to “Mad Season” by Matchbox Twenty on my Sony Walkman, all the golden leaves on the ground, reflecting the light back, like a walking through an urbanized mythical El Dorado. I still put on that album every year around the autumn equinox, it makes me feel like I still have some connection to who I was when I was 11 ,12 years old. Its hard to accept that adulthood isn’t an erasure of childhood, that growing up doesn’t mean that who you were isn’t a part of you now. Maybe that’s the nostalgic sentimentalist in me, forever walking alongside all that’s already happened like a map to where I think I might be headed. Back then, I got teased and picked on a lot for my musical and aesthetic choices. It was easy to shrug it off, my dad was a huge fan of country, blues, r&b and reggae music, my older brother was even more eclectic in his choices. I have vivid memories of my older brother Mel ironing his JROTC uniform before school to Michelle Branch, Mudvayne and Afroman videos on early morning MTV programming. In so many ways, I was always more like my family than like anyone in my peer group but at the same time I was also not like anyone in my family, I am the only born American in my immediate family, the only queer person to my knowledge in even my extended family. Now as an adult, its hard to feel like anyone else, to want to be like anyone else or to feel like I want to be apart of anything else.
The internet has made the world bigger than ever, full of more connection I would have ever thought possible when I was little but even now I still feel as lonely as ever. I truly don’t think of lonely as a bad thing, lonely is a fire that I’ve been warming myself with happily for many years. I’ve spent so many years of my life laying across a bed by myself listening to whatever album has gripped me with both hands., shaking furiously.

I still enjoy company, I still think people need each other and community is important but I also cherish my loneliness and how it helps me appreciate company from a deeper place. It’s like understanding that one match can light many candles.